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Well Done God! Page 9


  Tone of reply : half-bitter, half-abusive.

  Robert said :

  The trouble with our arrangement that you cook and I washup is that you are always the prime mover—I can neither eat nor fulfil my half of the arrangement until you have fulfilled yours ; which you do with neither punctuality nor regularity nor seemliness.

  Verity of latter part of foregoing statement : none.

  Grammatical felicity of latter part of ditto : doubtful.

  Samuel said :

  Balderdash !

  Nature of remark : deliberately archaic, with superior class overtones.

  Samuel continued :

  I am a very fine cook, and you are very well satisfied with the arrangement. You would else be sustained by bread, milk, and cheese.

  Slight literary influence on fast sentence : William Shakespeare (decd.).

  Samuel said :

  At the moment in any case, I am thinking of an altogether different sort of prime movement.

  Actions consistent with foregoing words : Samuel seized his lavatorybook from the mantelshelf, tore off a strip of paper from a small roll, and left the flat.

  Title of Samuel’s lavatorybook : ULYSSES, by the most estimable of authors, James Joyce, Dubliner.

  Location of paper : on top of gasmeter, adjacent to spare shilling.

  Length of strip torn off : approximately 34” (±½”).

  Nature of paper : of the crepe variety, soft but weak.

  Situation of flat : on the third floor.

  Colour of door : pleasantly bright red.

  Architectural period of house of which the flat formed part : Georgian of the third rating.

  General condition of house : less than kempt.

  Robert said :

  If you’re not quick you’re dead.

  Escape at last : Samuel thudded down the stairs to the lavatory.

  Nature of lavatory : tending to the primitive.

  Explanatory retrospect : By a careful and systematic exploitation of the auditory sense, Samuel had struck up an acquaintanceship with the Irish girl who occupied the basement room immediately below the abovementioned lavatory.

  Name of Irish girl : Miss Deane.

  Posited nature of acquaintanceship : incipiently amatory.

  Degree of success met with : encouraging.

  Plotting and acting : The place bringing Samuel inevitably to mind of its associated female sub-tenant, he began to plan the next stage of his campaign for the conquest of Miss Deane. After cursory thought he decided on direct assault of a literary nature : he would write an unequivocal poem to Miss Deane. In ten minutes he had created his poem and written it, on a page left conveniently blank by the aforesaid James Joyce, with a pencil expressly carried for such a purpose.

  Type of pencil employed : black, graphite, stubby, of the 2H quality of durity.

  Title of poem : “Ode to a Basement Lodger”.

  Foul-paper copy of poem :

  My dear Miss Deane :

  Were I the King, and you the Queen,

  (Divine, entrancing, just nineteen),

  I’d do you all day long—with meals between.

  But as it is I haven’t a bean :

  I’m not the King, you’re not the Queen,

  But still I’d like to . . . you know what I mean,

  My dear Miss Deane.

  Dashing of hopes of the Filthy-Minded : “Foul-papers” were manuscripts originally so-called by hard-pressed printers.

  Ascension : In which Samuel and stairs were inseparably conjoined.

  Manner of his going : selfpleased, anticipatory.

  Pride in achievement : Joyfully, he announced to Robert the crystallization of the latest stage of his campaign, and read the poem to him.

  Robert said :

  Crap is crap is crap is crap !

  Situation outlined : Samuel sat patiently on the steps leading down to the garden.

  Purpose of sojourn : to keep a rendezvous with the Miss Deane mentioned above.

  Type of steps : of the steeply-inclined variety, rough timber construction, treated two coats of creosote (cheap quality).

  Horticultural description of garden : splendid crops of woundwort and teazel, bindweed and eyebright, sowthistle and coltsfoot agrimony and heartsease, catseye and goatsbeard, chickweed and toadflax, dandelions and viper’s bugloss, dock and thyme, marjoram and sneezewort, silverweed and vervain, matricary and pignut, bryony and burnet, cinquefoil and fleabane, keck and loosestrife, nipplewort and navelwort, yarrow and oxeye ; at the end of the garden three mullein raised their proud yellow columns four feet above the earth.

  Note : the foregoing is botanically improbable, to say the least.

  Non-horticultural aspects of garden : DUSTBINS and tins­kipper­bones­egg­shells­boxes­cheese­lemon­and­orange­peel­sweet­wrappers­paper­towels­corrugated­iron­broken­bricks­stout­bottles­slim­bottles­toe­nail­cuttings­rasherrind­puffkin­packets­newspaper­sold­papers­rags­postcards­burnt­toast­glue­and­soinfinitelyon scattered amongst the abovementioned herbaceous vegetation ; clothes, drying on a line, none of an intimately female character.

  Other participants in the rendezvous : two small Irish cats ; wild ; grey and black respectively.

  Unusual knowledge : Samuel was waiting for Miss Deane to finish her lunch. He knew that she would have done this when a trickle of dirty washingupwater ran along the rut to his right into the drain at the foot of the steps upon which he was sitting. He was reading his stepsbook.

  Title of Samuel’s stepsbook : one of the SPEAK TO ME, FATHER, ABOUT . . . series, entitled . . . HELL.

  Reward for patience : Samuel had just decided that Hell, as described by Father, was a most interesting place, well worth the day trip, when a gurgle from the drain informed him of the imminent approach of Miss Deane. It could not be said, unfortunately, that the concinnation of Miss Deane was of the highest order.

  Dictionary definition of CONCINNATION : sb. Now rare ; 17th C. ; (f. Lat. concinnat—; concinnare, neatly put together). The state of having been fitly put together.

  Explanation of dictionary definition : sb.=substantive ; C.=century; f.=from ; Lat.=Latin.

  Description of Miss Deane :

  Height :

  5’ 7 ⅝”

  Weight :

  9 st. 3 lbs.

  Eyes :

  icy

  Complexion :

  tending to ruddiness

  Hair :

  black, short

  Bust :

  31 ”

  Waist :

  31 ”

  Hips :

  31 ”

  Features :

  manly

  Disposition :

  uncertain

  Age :

  twenty-four years

  Sex :

  female

  Spectacles :

  not worn

  Teeth :

  passable

  Apparel :

  usual-unusual

  Overall impression :

  lumpish

  Samuel said :

  Miss Deane !

  Tone of address : theatrical enrapture.

  Samuel said :

  Miss Deane, Miss Deane,—or may I call you Devilla ?

  Miss Deane said :

  Devilla ? Why ? No.

  Samuel said :

  Ah, and I know why not : because it isn’t your name !

  Quality of joke : poor in the extreme.

  Nature of Samuel’s laughter : forced, histrionic.

  Purpose of joke and laughter : to establish an atmosphere of pleasantry in which serious questions of a sensual nature could be posed with the minimum of offence.

  Reaction of Miss Deane to joke : simple pleasure.

  Miss Deane said :

  Have you written any more poems ?

  Samuel said :

  No. Five days have passed their weary lengths since I thrust the last one beneath your prayerbespattered door, Miss Deane, since when
I have been unable to concentrate upon further creation of a poetic nature, as I am far too preoccupied in awaiting your reply.

  Miss Deane said :

  You know very well that I didn’t understand it.

  Purpose of last remark : to gain time to think.

  Miss Deane’s thoughts : He’s rather nice a bit flabby though must like his food I’d feed him all right wouldn’t I would he keep me though you never know with college students there was that one the theological young one you’d never have thought it he was worse than although they do say but I promised myself I’d forget that now it’s over four years ago a Jesuit too this one reminds me of him in some ways nice eyes and hair he has full lips too not a very interesting face on the whole still a girl can’t pick and choose very much what with all the men emigrating but I’ll never unles she becomes a Catholic and confesses it decently like everyone else and promises to marry me and keep me and the children children oh that’s awful no nice the children must be Catholics Father taught me that can’t remember how early must be very careful as he’s not a Catholic.

  Miss Deane said :

  Have you heard anything from the Man Up There ? That’s your answer !

  Biological Note : the female will instinctively tend to ensure economic provision against the birth of issue before committing herself to the act in which such issue may be procreated ; in Miss Deane’s case, such economic reflexes were inseparable from religious conformity, and therefore her religious question masked the economic one.

  Samuel said :

  No, being interested only in the women down here. But I have been trying to see if either can manage a message.

  Nature of visible proof provided : the stepsbook mentioned earlier, in which Father attempted to speak to him about . . . HELL.

  Miss Deane said : Pah !

  Accompanying physical reaction : Miss Deane turned and walked away.

  Speed of rotary motion : approximately 14·0 r.p.m. (±0·5).

  Distance walked : a comfortably revocable three-and-a-half yards.

  Samuel said :

  But Miss Deane ! I adore you !

  Nature of cry : theatrical-passionate.

  Purpose of cry : to appeal to Miss Deane’s romantic instincts.

  Result of cry : momentary hesitation on part of Miss Deane.

  Victory prematurely assumed : Samuel grinned, triumphantly.

  Result of grin : abrupt departure of Miss Deane.

  Samuel said :

  So, all I’ve got to do is to become a convert and send my prayers for Miss Deane care of the Virgin Mary.

  Position of Samuel : inert, upon a short sofa, his legs dangling over the end.

  Physical state of Samuel : too lazy to do anything about physical discomfort.

  Robert said :

  You must experience a kind of apocalyptic fit, in fact.

  Position of Robert : inert, upon a bed.

  Short-term lessee of bed : Samuel, tenant of the first part.

  Physical state of Robert : comfortable.

  Occupation of Robert : consuming cheese.

  Nature of cheese : of the Irish Co-operative Dairies processed brand, orange in colour, solid in texture.

  Samuel said :

  You know what she told me today ? We were very late back from this dance last night and I asked her if she had slept well. Yes, she said, she was so tired she nearly fell asleep saying her prayers ! I was very proud indeed of my constraint of the ensuing risibility.

  Literary influence on last sentence : Samuel Johnson, bookseller’s son, of Lichfield.

  Robert said :

  Well, what do you expect if you send the girl verse invitations to concupiscence ? She’ll assume at once that you have money and could therefore raise her class status, so she’ll hold out for marriage. For Christ’s sake, the girl doesn’t know a trochee from the Trocadero !

  Purpose of last remark : to use up a witticism Robert had saved up for some years, awaiting only a suitable occasion upon which to use it.

  Relevance of witticism : somewhat marginal.

  Construction of witticism : alliterative ; the yoking of unlike ideas together ; somewhat akin to that figure of rhetoric called by the ancients oxymoron.

  Samuel said :

  So now I await Godsent consent, do I ? Do I, hell !

  Tone of remark : immoderate.

  Nature of remark : irreverent.

  Robert said :

  You surely don’t expect a relationship born in the flush and roar of the waters to be furthered by poesy, do you ?

  Intention of remark : to ridicule Samuel.

  Samuel said :

  Get your cheesebesprinkled corpus off my byourlady bed, then ! You’ve got a byourlady cheek !

  State of Samuel’s feelings : wounded.

  Purpose of remark : partly retaliatory ; partly to change the subject ; partly to avoid sleeping that night in patches of emollient cheese.

  Robert said :

  And the Mummybear said “Who’s been sleeping in my porage ?”

  Tone of voice employed : feminine, bearbaiting.

  Quality of joke : fair.

  State of status quo : stable.

  Posture rapidly assumed by Samuel : minatory.

  Speed of assumption : 19·735 ft/sec.

  Robert said :

  Promise to feed me soon, then.

  Tone employed : mock-plaintive.

  Samuel said :

  All right, then, just as soon as you stop feeding yourself on my bed.

  Happy outcome : On these terms a truce was concluded, and the conversation reverted to the subject of Miss Deane.

  Samuel said :

  What then must I do to be saved ?

  Literary influence on the last sentence : the King James authorised version of the Holy Bible.

  Occupation of Samuel at time of speaking : preliminary preparation of a meal.

  Nature of meal : rudimentary.

  Constituents of meal : eggs, small ; bacon, scraps ; potatoes, large, King Edward’s ; pisum sativum, hardy climbing annual.

  Robert said :

  How far has she accepted your sensual advances ?

  Samuel said :

  Not very far. I had no difficulty persuading her to come up here for a coffee or tea or something after the dance, and she accepted my chaste kisses readily enough. And then. . . .

  Robert said :

  I heard sharp words through the partywall. . . .

  Explanatory note regarding construction of partywall : of two layers of plasterboard, low grade, separated by battens two inches square, at either end ; papered both sides in a dunbrown floral pattern wallpaper.

  Noise penetration factor of partywall : better than 80%.

  Samuel said :

  You foul, long third party : what right have you to listen to my intimate susurrations with Miss Deane ?

  Robert said :

  You shouldn’t susurrate so loudly. And in any case you’re telling me now.

  Samuel said :

  But by eavesdropping you rob me of choice.

  Robert said :

  What were the sharp words about anyway ?

  Samuel said :

  Oh, that was when I attempted a little gentle earchewing. This was so grossly sensuous to Miss Deane that it took all my diplomacy to quiet her. And she has such lovely ears to chew, as well.

  Robert said :

  No farther ?

  Samuel said :

  No farther. So must I be converted ere I achieve another step.

  Literary influence on last sentence : any one of the following deceased playwrights of the Elizabethan and Jacobean periods ; the choice being left to the reader.

  BeaumontandFletcher

  Chapman*

  Dekker

  Ford

  Greene

  Heywood

  Jonson

  Kyd

  Lyly*

  Marlowe

  Marston*

  Massingerr />
  Middleton

  NortonandSackville*

  Peele*

  Preston

  Rowley

  Shakespeare*

  Shirley

  Udall*

  Webster

  Fairness to the reader : the author feels it to be no less than a duty incumbent upon himself to state that he cannot recommend the choice of those playwrights above whose names are followed by asterisks.

  Robert said :

  What place ought pleasure to hold in the rational life ?

  Samuel said :

  But a small one, surely, Socrates.

  Robert said :

  Can virtue reside in pleasure, Philebus ?

  Samuel said :

  Assuredly, provided pleasure is kept in its true place.

  Robert said :

  And what is its true place ?

  Samuel said :

  As long as pleasure is not allowed to possess the self so far that it prevents it from reaching its end in good, then it can be said to be in its true place.

  Robert said :

  The case, then, against pleasure is not that it is evil, but that it is unimportant ?